Archive for April, 2010

This was no Squeaker!

This is probably something I should not mention but sometimes I have no shame. 

I was in Sam’s the other day cruising the bread aisle and I came up behind this tiny little old woman who was pushing her cart slowly along.  I was in sneakers and I know she didn’t hear me.  I got about three feet behind her and selected a loaf of bread and was about to select a second loaf of a different kind when I heard her let one.  She ripped one off that about blew me back 4 steps.  As she was turning around to survey her damage I quickly sidestepped to my right and pretended to be choosing a loaf further away from her.  She looked startled to see me right there and mumbled, “Excuse me” under her breath and got it in gear and pushed her cart a little faster away from me.  Perhaps the “extra gas” was to keep her going, I don’t know.  She slipped around the corner and disappeared.  I waited a proper ten seconds before going back to where I was trying to pick out my bread.  I hesitated to enter that territory.  I was reluctant to even get a loaf from that area, but figured the plastic wrapping may have protected the bread loaves.  I held my breath and grabbed one anyway and left the crime scene. 

I felt sorry for her though.  Getting old ain’t easy.  Nor pretty.  Or for sissies.  You see, that happened to me years ago in Walmart while I was looking at greeting cards.  Bam, outta the blue, WRRRRP.  There was a lady on the other end of the rack reading a card and she looked at me as if I’d just crapped on the floor.  I saw her card almost drop out of her hand.  Her eyes widened in surprise and disbelief.  You know what I did?  I poked my head around the corner of the rack and looked over there with a properly aghast look on my face as if someone else had done it!  No kidding!  Like I could pull THAT off! 

She didn’t fall for it and I could tell.  I plopped my card back into its holder and I took off, literally, running.  Straight out the back through the garden center laughing like a crazed hyena.  I could not stop laughing!  I was in tears!  The look on her face and then me pretending it was someone else was too much even for me.  

So, old lady, whoever you were, I totally understand what you went through and I forgive you for it.  

At least you didn’t try and blame yours on some imaginary person.

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Old Phone Call Home

My friends – remember the old days when there was usually only one phone in the house and it was located in the kitchen where everyone could hear you talking?  If someone asked you your phone number you said, “Exbrook 8 – 7195” or “EX8-7195” and they knew what you were talking about immediately.  (That was our phone number when I was about 7 years old. 

Well, things have certainly changed since then, huh?  I felt very lucky to have a Princess Phone in the room I shared with my MOTHER when I was a teenager.  Nothing was better than listening to your boyfriend’s heavy breathing on the other end of the Princess Phone.  The heavy breathing was usually because he’d fallen asleep while we were talking, LOL.  I mean, geez, he’d stay at my house all evening and then go home and call me and I’d make him talk to me until one of us fell asleep.  Teenagers are so…out there.

But for you youngsters who think the big thing is texting and tweeting and having all the cool phones, you need to have just a clue of what we had…Check out this video and try not to laugh at the little girl who is struggling to keep smiling.  And then when you get upset because you are stuck with the Blackberry when you could have a Droid Incredible, or whatever the heck it is, remember to be grateful to your parents for what they give you. 

 

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In the Headlights of a Plane

 

Don't Land On Me

Don't Land On Me

The other night I was out walking and a plane flew overhead.  For about 3 seconds, for some reason, the headlights on that plane shone down on me.  It was so strange…I felt like I should throw up my arms and freeze, I swear.  It only lasted that three seconds but it was the first time in my life that I’d been in a plane’s headlights.  We don’t live that far from the airport as the crow flies.  I saw my shadow in front of me and heard the plane overhead and in the eight seconds that it takes many thoughts to run through your mind, I thought, “Oh my God, I’m about to be arrested!”

Now I’ve never been arrested, came close once, but that’s because I was defending my brother’s honor.  Oh, that and a few other things that happened that night that I won’t go into here. That was a very long time ago and it ended up that two of my brothers went to jail because of my being such a mouthy b**ch.  Huh?  Me?  haha.  They ended up defending MY honor.  It was a bar on the northside, let’s just say that.  I still have my card to get in.  I turned 18 in that bar.  Back when 18 was a legal drinking age…it’s nickname was “Happy Cracks.” LOLOL!

I looked up at the plane as the lights hit me and I saw the lights on it shift and then aim forward towards the airport.  Now why did that plane pick that particular moment to aim their headlights down?  I know they did not see me, they could care less about scaring the bejesus out of me, yet it seemed so peculiar that their headlights hit me just as I was walking down the driveway.   For that brief instant, even my dog following me stopped.  She saw it too.  The lights were very bright and they spotlighted me as if I were on a stage.

I kept on walking and looking at the plane and wondering where the people in there were coming from.  Heck, probably Atlanta.  Isn’t that where all the planes either come or go?  LOL

It’d be nice to be prepared if it ever happens again.  The next time I’ll be sure to wave and dance.

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Tree Climber-Old Timer

Last night I tried to climb a tree. Something I haven’t done in years and shouldn’t have attempted at my age now.

There was a thunderstorm in Georgia and you could see the lightning in the distance. A wonderful breeze was blowing and I was out walking and I saw the cherry tree swaying…inviting me to climb up and enjoy the dance. I stood at the bottom of it and looked up. It’s not a very big tree, about 2 feet  or so around and the branches are big enough to support me. I reached up to try and grab the first branch and couldn’t. It would require shimmying to reach it.

When I was young I could hit a tree running full out and shimmy up it like a monkey. I swear. I was the best tree climber in the neighborhood bar none. I spent hours in trees. I had trees all over San M that I named and climbed. I was Jane looking for my Tarzan.

So in light of that, I figured it should still be a piece of cake even 30 or so years later. Kind of like riding a bike, you never forget, right? I have climbed trees off and on throughout the years but they’ve always been relatively easy to get into. I didn’t see a problem.

Huh. I jumped, grabbed the tree with my hands and put my feet on either side of the trunk to start my shimmy. Something popped in both the muscles on the insides of my legs and they gave away and I did a body smack into the tree. I should have stopped there but I was not daunted. I dug around in the dark in the garage (God forbid anyone see me doing this) until I found my tin pail that I use to wash the car. Tipped it over next to the tree and stood on it and was just able to reach that first branch. I grabbed it with one hand and tried the shimmy again. Those muscles that popped? They screamed at me this time – they tried to warn me but I was so close that I pushed them some more.

I hung there for about 3 minutes – okay – make it 30 seconds – and I could feel my arms trembling and my legs were shaking and I knew there was no way I was going to get my body up far enough to get to the next branch. I looked longingly into those branches above me and really wanted to get up there. I was astounded that I could not do it and disgusted with myself at the same time. I dropped the six feet – I mean – one foot – to the ground and my legs would not support me and I ended up on my hands and knees, really miserable.

I continued with my walk and vowed to try again another time. Soon. After my muscles quit hurting. After I do a few push ups and weight lifting. I’m even going to try and ride my bike more.

I know I can still do that.

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